"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

agoihaoighaognaljbnoaihjbaoijgaelktnqkl3jtno WHYYYYYY
Why do I still love him? I thought I was over him. I really did. Seeing his face today just brought up so many memories and feelings. I thought he was different. I never saw the heartbreak coming from him. He was the one. I screwed up. But I can't keep blaming myself for it all. He was my first love. I can't handle being "just friends." I'm not strong enough. I can't even think. I find trouble trying to move without him by my side. Do I want him to be happy? Of course. But why can't I find happiness without him? I can't see myself living without him. Not that I'm going to commit suicide or anything stupid like that- but I don't picture my future with anyone else. I just want him back. I need him to see how much I love him. I think he's blind. It's killing me. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm breaking down. How does he still have a hold of my life? Not a day goes by I don't think of him. He broke my heart, I'm so sick of crying to sleep. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and missing part of me. I can't even draw anymore. I miss drawing, but I can't bring myself to do it. How do you express such depression? How do you express your love for someone who can't love you back? What am I supposed to do? He still has whatever is left of my heart. I've tried for so long to just get him to give me a second chance. I'd give him one if he did what I did. Is that not the only thing I ever screwed up with? I trusted him. I gave him my all. He was all I ever wanted. I thought we were perfect. I guess I'm wrong with a lot of things. How could he kiss her and not tell me? How could he repeat the same thing Rick did with Tia? He knew my past, knew about all of that. How could he do that? How does he move on so quickly and why can't I just let go? What is it about him that I can't get over? I miss waking up to his face and being warm in his arms. I miss knowing I had someone that would support me no matter what. I miss his family values and plans for the future. I miss the stability. I miss him. I understand I'm supposed to serve a penance for the wrong I've done in life, but when does the suffering stop and the rain clear so I can get on with my life? I never cheated on him- why am I being treated like I did? He broke up with me, never told me we were "on a break." What does that even mean? Either you're together or you're not, there's no middle ground. He made me feel so beautiful, meaningful when we were together. Why did he have to take that away and make me feel like a monster? Why can't I just let it go? Why am I still in love with him? Why can't he just see that? Why can't he just give me a chance? I gave him a fair one when we started dating. He never gave me a fair chance- he was never over his ex from middle school. I would give up anything just for a fair chance with him. He hurt me just as much as the man who raped me, but I don't think he meant to. I hope he didn't. If I'm willing to forgive him for that, why can't he just talk to me like a human being. Am I really that much of a monster? Why can't I just let go?

You had my heart inside of your hands and you played it to the beat

I'm currently on a huge Adele kick. I haven't listened to her in ages but her song "rolling in the deep" came on the radio the other day and ever since I'm hooked on her again. This song fits me perfectly. It's exactly how I feel about every single relationship I've fallen into in the last few years. I'm sick of falling. I build walls and tear them down on a regular basis. It's so hard to get into me because of them. My heart is becoming a fortress. I'm not sure if I like it or not. I mean it keeps me from getting hurt but I see the pain it causes everyone around me. I don't mean to be closed off and distant. It's just how I am. My mom's in the hospital again. She was there for about 4-5 days last week and she went back in last night. It breaks my heart seeing her in such pain. I'm so afraid I'll lose her. Though, I feel like I already have... We're not the same we used to be. She's chosen people over me so many times before that I fear to let her in again. The biggest heart break I have suffered is losing my relationship with my own mother. I don't think she sees it- the pain I go through watching her suffer and not being able to help her. I'd do anything for that woman, but I'm so lost right now as to what I can do. Her Multiple Sclerosis has taken over both of our lives. It's taken a toll on our relationship, it's taken away her freedom. As a child I watched her go through college and become what she wanted to be, only for it all to be taken away from her within a decade. I don't know what else I can do. She refuses to accept my help around the house, doesn't want to admit that she can't do everything anymore. I know everyone goes through the change in their life of being the caretaker to the one cared for. I wish she'd just accept that life is changing all around her and maybe it's time to let me in; let me help. I wish there was a map of what I'm supposed to do. </3

"Broke up, and I'm relieved somehow, It's the end of the discussions that just go round and round"

So I think I've finally figured out the steps of my relationships:

1. I "fall in love" and throw myself into what comes my way. I feel like that person is my world.
2. I realize I'm not truly in love with the person, more like lust. Because of this, I push them away.
3. We break up and I withdraw from everyone.
4. I begin to hate the person.
5. I become promiscuous.
6. After sleeping with someone new, I realize that maybe I really was "in love" and I beat myself up for sleeping with the new person.
7. I feel like a horrible person and go on a self destructive rampage.
8. I eventually start to become "ok" and accept that even though I've been hurt, the good times were worth it all after all.
9. I meet the next contestant in this savage cycle.

I need to learn to not be a runner, that when things get tough that I need to stick it through. I'm sick of this cycle. I really am.

Illegitimi non carborundum.

I'm so sick of this feeling. I can't quite describe it. My life would probably be a lot easier if I could put words to it. I hate when I go through a break up and in the end I get something along the lines of "you're just another number" and it kills me. How can one person go from being your world to just another lay? I'll never understand. Just when I finally get through it and begin to feel like myself again, they somehow find a way to contact me with something similar to "you're the best I ever had. I screwed up. I'm so sorry." I wish I could go through life and close myself off to the outside world but that's just not me. I connect with everyone, even if it's just for a split second, I do. It doesn't mean I'm in love with them or anything, just that when we share something as minuscule as a glance, we're connected. When I meet someone new-friend or lover-I always give them a fair chance to prove they're worth a place in my heart. I don't let past experiences get in the way and maybe that's a problem. It doesn't make me weak, just vulnerable. I feel like whenever I lose someone, I lose a part of me. That connection dissolves leaving me alone again. I'm sick of being alone, but I'm afraid to let anyone else in at this point. I'm stuck here and lost. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I'm afraid to die alone, but I also don't want to be with someone and miserable. I just want to meet someone who can be honest and love me for me. Even though I'm missing quite a few parts of me since I've lost a few people in my life, I still want that person. I long for it. My heart aches. It's not broken, just bruised. I'm not broken, I'm in repair. I'm struggling to find myself in this world and my place within it. I don't want to work at a gas station for ever. I don't want to live at home and care for my disabled parents forever. I want to go out there and do something with my life. I just want to be happy and make something of myself. I'm such a smart person, I know I am. I know I can do it, but I don't know how to even start at this point.

A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have.

It's been oh such a long time since I last wrote on here. I don't know why. I claim I don't have the time to do so but yet I waste countless hours playing robot unicorn attack or angry birds on my phone or sit on facebook having meaningless conversations filled with "lol" and "brb" when in that time I could be doing something useful like letting my words flow. I guess I don't have the motivation anymore? Well it's not really that either. I like love writing. I think about getting on here almost regularly, I just let the world get to me and lose sight of things sometimes. I feel like I owe my sketch pad a drawing or two these days also. I don't know what's gotten into me ever since the break up. Oh yeah, I should add this now- Eric and I broke up almost two months ago. So yeah... I don't know. Life's just weird I guess. Like I had the "man" I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, I thought I had fallen in love. Turns out the 21 year old college graduate wasn't sure what he wanted in life and wasn't over his girlfriend from middle school. I realize now that after 6 months of dating him that everything was based on a lie. Almost nothing from him ever was the complete truth. I know now that he wasn't worth the time and has a lot of growing up to do. I just wish he was honest from the beginning like I was to him. I don't think I could ever trust him again, even in a friends only way. I cut him out of my life about a month ago. I'm going through too much to deal with his childish ways. Anyways, I guess we should move off of this topic seeing as I could go on and on and on about it.

Take my Hand, and Show Me Where We're Going

So for Christmas I went to Rochester to see Eric. Who would have known that at the beginning of this semester, I would end up where I am with him? I know I still have so much to figure out in my life but once I do, I know I'll still want him in it. We've both been hurt so much in our lives, but when I'm with him it's like all of the pain from the past disappears. I never knew that to be a possibility, let alone a reality. How can you be sure when something is right? To me, it's the sense of security, the stability, and the trust we have for each other. I've always been weary about trusting others after my experiences growing up. But with Eric, it's different; I know that no matter how far away we may be from each other, I never have to worry about him going off and doing something stupid and hurting me. He offers me something never given to me growing up; a sense of security. Because for that one moment laying in his arms, I know nothing bad can ever happen to me. He makes me feel complete. It's such a weird feeling I have with him but when I look into his hazel eyes with little flakes of gold like mica, I know it's right. Recently I finally overcame everything with Luis. All of it. I realized there's hope out there for me after surviving his abuse. I've begun to draw again, begun to write more regularly, and begun to trust. I know Eric sometimes has his doubts about us, because other people have ruined it for him in the past. I just wish I could find some way to convince him that I would never hurt him; for that's not what I want and not what he needs. I met his family this weekend and went to his church. Church for me is a major thing. Being raised Catholic in a church that was held in Polish, I never knew much about the situation around me. Yes, I'd been to church since childhood; once in Mexico, another a Gospel near a shelter for battered women and children that my mother and I lived in. But since then, I'd not gone. I've considered myself Agnostic because of it. Well I went to his family's church, a Lutheran one, and I loved it. The sense of community and how close the members are to each other is something I envy. I wish I was raised in such a situation, with such an amazing pastor like their's. I'm realizing that now that I'm older, it's time for me to start making my own decisions; to start my own life. This weekend was a big wake up call for me. Hopefully I can finally start putting my life back together and get back on track with everything. I'd like to think that the last year was just a minor detour to what my life is destined to become.

Yes, he may be a goof, but he's my goof and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. <3

"Touch my skin and tell me what you're thinking, take my hand, and show me where we're going
Lie down next to me, look into my eyes and tell me, oh tell me what you're seeing
So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling, what you feel now is what I feel for you
Take my hand and if I'm lying to you, I'll always be alone, if I'm lying to you
See my eyes, they carry your reflection, watch my lips and hear the words I'm telling you
Give your trust to me and look into my heart and show me, show me what you're doing"
Dido

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones.

So it's been a while since I last wrote anything. My last night on here was one of my worst in years. My moms decided it would be a brilliant idea to erase the hard drive on my old computer that was filled with playlists and photos that went to them just so that they could sell it. I realized that I can no longer trust them and felt so alone and lost being here at home. I turned to one of the few things I promised myself about 5 years ago that I'd never do again. I ended up cutting myself. When I realized the scars I'd caused for myself I turned to my friend, Kyle, and scored something unmentionable. I think I gave everyone a scare at school after that. I removed myself from everyone, including Gina. Near the end of October I realized the mess I had made and started trying to put my life back together. I found Eric one day and pulled him aside and asked if I could come over and talk that night. At the very moment when he agreed to even come off to the side, I knew that he actually did care about me. We ended up talking again and that made me feel like maybe everything was going to be alright for the first time in a long time. On November 8, I made us official. He always said it was my call and that he'd wait until I was ready for him. Sitting at the ER with Steve, I realized that I never want to be with anyone but Eric. When I finally had the motivation to write again, I found out that my grandmother had died a month before I was told and the blog went back to the back burner. I cope with pain and emotion in the worst of ways sometimes. I hate myself for relapsing in more than one way. Who the hell are my mothers to cause me to inflict harm upon myself? They've never been there for me. Ever. The rest of the semester flew by with Eric by my side and the friends I developed will be friends for life. I know Eric will never hurt me and even though he's about an hour away back home in Rochester, nothing will keep us apart. I love him. I actually love him. It's not just because he's been there when I'm down or because he tells me I'm beautiful, but he's also taught me how to love myself and without loving yourself you can never love someone else. I cannot see myself with anyone but him. Ever. What I do care about is us and our future and where life will lead us, together. I would do anything for him and I know he'd do anything for me. I miss him. :(