This is the price you pay for loss of control

It seems like I should really work on my sleep schedule. I'm always up until the most ungodly hours of the day, even when I have work to do. But it's been a few days, almost a week now, since I last wrote. I have the motivation to write, just not the time or I end up procrastinating it or even forget about it. I really need to get into the groove of things and do it regularly. There's always so much that I think about before I go to sleep and no one to talk to about it. I guess this is the place for it, to at least get it off of my mind or out of my system. I'm really starting to look into myself; self-analyzing is what it's called from the psychological standpoint. I'm starting to realize how much things from my past really do affect me; be it molestation, abuse, rape, addiction or even my miscarriage. I swear if I didn't have Gina with me this past weekend, I have no idea what I would have done when I went home. I'm just so sick of the constant fighting between my parents and I. I would give up anything for a good home life. I'm sick of the regular reminders of my horrible past. My bedroom back home used to be my one safe place from everything, but after Rick, I cannot even step a foot in it without my stomach churning. I can't go outside and see his house and continue to pretend that I'm ok. I can't keep lying to myself anymore. I'M NOT OK! Why can't I make myself realize this? It's just so much easier to put it to the back of my mind. I can't keep looking into my mother's eyes and pretend that she's not somehow connected to my loss of my virginity. Fuck her multiple personalities. I don't give a shit. People shouldn't take a child's innocence. I can't keep seeing my father and hug him like he never hit me when i was 12. I'm just so sick of people that are supposed to love me treating me like I'm nothing, meaningless. It's not fair! I really need to take care of myself right now before I can give myself to someone in a relationship. I have far too much baggage, and it's almost too much for me to handle by myself; let alone to dump on someone else.

"Ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out; I wish I knew" Brand New

I've got some issues that nobody can see

The last few days have felt pretty hectic. I have no idea why but I've had no motivation to write at the end of the day. I guess I've been doing some thinking. But maybe not. I really want to stay here at school but it feels as though everything is against me here. I don't know why I feel that way, it's just like an impending sense of doom. Maybe it's just from me thinking about back home, or at least what should be called my home. I wish my family could coexist peacefully for just one day. I have a lack of stability. I always have lacked it. It's frustrating. Like I want a healthy relationship but have no example to base it on. I'm starting to finally open up about my problems in the past and I want someone who can handle it, though I'm not sure if I can even handle all of them right now...

"I've got some issues that nobody can see And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the light for you, It's only right. This is the soundtrack to my life" Kid Cudi

Shards of me

Sometimes you have to put yourself first, others you need to be there for your friends. Sometimes it's really hard to focus on yourself when everyone around you has all of these expectations for you to live by. You want to do what's best for other people and you lose track of your priorities and your own needs. I guess I've been focusing an awful lot on myself this last year. I mean, it's obviously been for the better seeing as I'm a completely different person now. It's hard for me to look back on what I used to be and where I am today. I cannot believe how many stupid mistakes I've made. But honestly if I never made the mistake of trusting Ashley, I'd never have been her roommate. We'd never have had our huge blow out and I'd never have moved in with Jenette. Without being Jenette's roommate, I don't think we would have ever had that great of a friendship. Without that bond, I never would have met Eric. Today I realized how important it is for me to be a true friend to someone. To just listen and support someone in their endeavors and time of need. Eric was right, it's hard to talk to people because usually when you're just about ready to bring up what has you so worked up and so upset, they come to you with their problem first. You never want to make your friends feel weird about coming to you for help, so you keep your problem to yourself and it eventually just builds up until you feel like you're ready to burst. I've been there countless times. I feel like I'm constantly trying to pick up the pieces to my shattered life. I'm never going to get it all put back together without time and understanding from my friends. I kind of put myself on the back burner a few weeks ago when Gina came to me for help, but right now it's ok. I just have to remember to go back to it and fix what happened, even if that means I need to try to talk things through with my mother. Right now, what's important is for me to stay in school and try to do well, despite the mess I have at home. Last week was National Suicide Prevention Week and while everyone else was writing love on their arms, I was struggling with my depression once again. Never have I felt so afraid to be alone with myself so I surrounded myself with my close friends in order to get my mind off of everything going on that was causing it. After having been the closest I've been in about 5 years to committing suicide, it's safe to say that it was not a good place to be. I know that right now I need to try to focus somewhat on myself instead of taking on my friends' problems but I also know that without me here to support them, no good will come of it. I need to learn an appropriate balance between helping me and helping them. My talk with Eric at about 1 am really helped me to realize this. He's someone I can really relate to with everything that we're both experiencing right now in life. In about 12 hours I'm going to sit through my ninth tattoo, this time "love" on my wrist to recognize the organization To Write Love On Her Arms (www.twloha.com) and to remind myself to start to love myself again. I feel like I've fallen out of touch with myself in the last few months and it's time to get reacquainted again. It's to remind myself that suicide is never an option and that self mutilation never solves anything. Anyways, it's almost 7, I should probably go to bed if I want to get up in time for class.



"Oh the little pieces falling, shatter. Shards of me Too sharp to put back together, Too small to matter; But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces." Evanescence

The damaged and rather fragile me

It's been so long since I last wrote. So much has happened in the last year. But as a new academic year begins, I feel it's time to turn over a new leaf and get back into it. There's so much going on in my life at this very moment and I'm not sure how to handle it all. I mean, I know we all have our problems, but this last year has had so many hurdles and obstacles to get me to the point I'm at now. Lately I just feel lonely. Maybe it's the lack of a strong family structure with all of the lies we tell each other that's beginning to get to me. Maybe it's the fact that this is the longest I've been single in almost a year. I got so accustomed to living with Luis that it was so hard to get used to living on my own. I was actually afraid to be on my own for a while. I fell into a relationship with Matt. It was unexpected, unplanned, and honestly, unnecessary. I think I just missed waking up to someone on my side, holding me and loving me unconditionally. I wish I could say that Matt offered that to me, but rather he just offered the facade of a relationship and served as security blanket, protecting me from being alone with myself. It's not that I don't enjoy the time to myself. I haven't written since I was here at school last year. I've never had the time nor freedom to do it. Writing serves as a release for me. It allows me to speak freely, uncensored, and comfortably. I just want to meet a guy that's in my league that can offer me what I need. Unconditional support. I have a lot to deal with right now and I could really use someone there for me. Yes, I have friends that offer that, but it's not the same. I want to have a healthy relationship. One where each other gives their entire self to their partner. One where I don't feel the need to censor my thoughts or emotions out of fear that it might offend someone. I want to feel free to give my all to someone again. I want to put in the effort to make things work, through the thick or thin. I want someone to feel the same way. I remember all of those fairy tales as a kid, and I'm starting to think that they really are just fiction. Everyone today picks out the little flaws among their peers and partners. What ever happened to chivalry? What ever happened to loving someone unconditionally? Why is it that when relationships end, you always feel like you lost a part of yourself and gained nothing from the other person? Why is it that in today's society sex is always rushed when you're in a relationship? I don't just want sex. I want someone with emotion, not a cold, brick wall. I want someone who shares my interests and doesn't criticize me for the things that I may enjoy and they don't. I don't get why people expect me to support them and then they poke fun at my love for horses. Hello Luis, I get it you were obsessed with cards. Did I ever discourage you from that? No, I in fact bought you cards and started learning flourishing because of you. Did you ever offer to come to a riding lesson to watch me? Did you ever ask to come riding or say yes when I offered? And Matt, I know you had a recording degree. Did I ever tell you it was absolutely pointless? Did I not ask you to play music for me? Did I not offer to get you a job at a studio in Syracuse? I feel as though you were a waste of my time. The way in the end how you had the nerve to bring up my problems at home, the way you brought up my last fight with Luis, the way you always expected sex when I came over. When we started out, I thought things were going to be different for us. In the end, I realize you were a very dull person with a lot of mental issues. I never claimed to be perfect, though you always declared I was. How could your image of me change in a matter of 5 minutes because I wasn't in the mood? It just shows how fake it all was. What I can say though, is that you really taught me to appreciate the little things that Luis used to do for me and you didn't. Be it massage my back when I came home from work, make me a button when the one fell off of my pants for work, or just spend time focusing on the things we both enjoyed. I don't miss everything that he did, but he did a hell of a lot more than you. You gave me shit for working 2 jobs and going to school full time. But you know, at 22 you still live at home. I got my first apartment when I was 18. Doesn't that say anything about my ambition and goals at all? I'm not that proud of where I am today, but I do know that I haven't sat on my ass since I left school. I may be in a ton of debt, but the majority of it is from school. Maybe I'm just ranting at this point and should go to bed seeing as it's almost 5am, but I just felt a need to vent. I just really want to find a guy that's ok with just cuddling up in bed and watching a movie with me until I fall asleep in his arms, or to play video games with even though I suck at them. I want someone who's ok with just going on a pointless drive and listening to music on our way to nowhere in particular. I want someone to walk under the stars with and discuss our plans for the future and our dreams. I want someone who's ok with me just the way I am. The damaged and rather fragile me.

"I want to wake up to the sound of waves crashing on a brand new day, keep the memory of your face and wipe the pain away" Sheryl Crow