The damaged and rather fragile me

It's been so long since I last wrote. So much has happened in the last year. But as a new academic year begins, I feel it's time to turn over a new leaf and get back into it. There's so much going on in my life at this very moment and I'm not sure how to handle it all. I mean, I know we all have our problems, but this last year has had so many hurdles and obstacles to get me to the point I'm at now. Lately I just feel lonely. Maybe it's the lack of a strong family structure with all of the lies we tell each other that's beginning to get to me. Maybe it's the fact that this is the longest I've been single in almost a year. I got so accustomed to living with Luis that it was so hard to get used to living on my own. I was actually afraid to be on my own for a while. I fell into a relationship with Matt. It was unexpected, unplanned, and honestly, unnecessary. I think I just missed waking up to someone on my side, holding me and loving me unconditionally. I wish I could say that Matt offered that to me, but rather he just offered the facade of a relationship and served as security blanket, protecting me from being alone with myself. It's not that I don't enjoy the time to myself. I haven't written since I was here at school last year. I've never had the time nor freedom to do it. Writing serves as a release for me. It allows me to speak freely, uncensored, and comfortably. I just want to meet a guy that's in my league that can offer me what I need. Unconditional support. I have a lot to deal with right now and I could really use someone there for me. Yes, I have friends that offer that, but it's not the same. I want to have a healthy relationship. One where each other gives their entire self to their partner. One where I don't feel the need to censor my thoughts or emotions out of fear that it might offend someone. I want to feel free to give my all to someone again. I want to put in the effort to make things work, through the thick or thin. I want someone to feel the same way. I remember all of those fairy tales as a kid, and I'm starting to think that they really are just fiction. Everyone today picks out the little flaws among their peers and partners. What ever happened to chivalry? What ever happened to loving someone unconditionally? Why is it that when relationships end, you always feel like you lost a part of yourself and gained nothing from the other person? Why is it that in today's society sex is always rushed when you're in a relationship? I don't just want sex. I want someone with emotion, not a cold, brick wall. I want someone who shares my interests and doesn't criticize me for the things that I may enjoy and they don't. I don't get why people expect me to support them and then they poke fun at my love for horses. Hello Luis, I get it you were obsessed with cards. Did I ever discourage you from that? No, I in fact bought you cards and started learning flourishing because of you. Did you ever offer to come to a riding lesson to watch me? Did you ever ask to come riding or say yes when I offered? And Matt, I know you had a recording degree. Did I ever tell you it was absolutely pointless? Did I not ask you to play music for me? Did I not offer to get you a job at a studio in Syracuse? I feel as though you were a waste of my time. The way in the end how you had the nerve to bring up my problems at home, the way you brought up my last fight with Luis, the way you always expected sex when I came over. When we started out, I thought things were going to be different for us. In the end, I realize you were a very dull person with a lot of mental issues. I never claimed to be perfect, though you always declared I was. How could your image of me change in a matter of 5 minutes because I wasn't in the mood? It just shows how fake it all was. What I can say though, is that you really taught me to appreciate the little things that Luis used to do for me and you didn't. Be it massage my back when I came home from work, make me a button when the one fell off of my pants for work, or just spend time focusing on the things we both enjoyed. I don't miss everything that he did, but he did a hell of a lot more than you. You gave me shit for working 2 jobs and going to school full time. But you know, at 22 you still live at home. I got my first apartment when I was 18. Doesn't that say anything about my ambition and goals at all? I'm not that proud of where I am today, but I do know that I haven't sat on my ass since I left school. I may be in a ton of debt, but the majority of it is from school. Maybe I'm just ranting at this point and should go to bed seeing as it's almost 5am, but I just felt a need to vent. I just really want to find a guy that's ok with just cuddling up in bed and watching a movie with me until I fall asleep in his arms, or to play video games with even though I suck at them. I want someone who's ok with just going on a pointless drive and listening to music on our way to nowhere in particular. I want someone to walk under the stars with and discuss our plans for the future and our dreams. I want someone who's ok with me just the way I am. The damaged and rather fragile me.

"I want to wake up to the sound of waves crashing on a brand new day, keep the memory of your face and wipe the pain away" Sheryl Crow