Shards of me

Sometimes you have to put yourself first, others you need to be there for your friends. Sometimes it's really hard to focus on yourself when everyone around you has all of these expectations for you to live by. You want to do what's best for other people and you lose track of your priorities and your own needs. I guess I've been focusing an awful lot on myself this last year. I mean, it's obviously been for the better seeing as I'm a completely different person now. It's hard for me to look back on what I used to be and where I am today. I cannot believe how many stupid mistakes I've made. But honestly if I never made the mistake of trusting Ashley, I'd never have been her roommate. We'd never have had our huge blow out and I'd never have moved in with Jenette. Without being Jenette's roommate, I don't think we would have ever had that great of a friendship. Without that bond, I never would have met Eric. Today I realized how important it is for me to be a true friend to someone. To just listen and support someone in their endeavors and time of need. Eric was right, it's hard to talk to people because usually when you're just about ready to bring up what has you so worked up and so upset, they come to you with their problem first. You never want to make your friends feel weird about coming to you for help, so you keep your problem to yourself and it eventually just builds up until you feel like you're ready to burst. I've been there countless times. I feel like I'm constantly trying to pick up the pieces to my shattered life. I'm never going to get it all put back together without time and understanding from my friends. I kind of put myself on the back burner a few weeks ago when Gina came to me for help, but right now it's ok. I just have to remember to go back to it and fix what happened, even if that means I need to try to talk things through with my mother. Right now, what's important is for me to stay in school and try to do well, despite the mess I have at home. Last week was National Suicide Prevention Week and while everyone else was writing love on their arms, I was struggling with my depression once again. Never have I felt so afraid to be alone with myself so I surrounded myself with my close friends in order to get my mind off of everything going on that was causing it. After having been the closest I've been in about 5 years to committing suicide, it's safe to say that it was not a good place to be. I know that right now I need to try to focus somewhat on myself instead of taking on my friends' problems but I also know that without me here to support them, no good will come of it. I need to learn an appropriate balance between helping me and helping them. My talk with Eric at about 1 am really helped me to realize this. He's someone I can really relate to with everything that we're both experiencing right now in life. In about 12 hours I'm going to sit through my ninth tattoo, this time "love" on my wrist to recognize the organization To Write Love On Her Arms (www.twloha.com) and to remind myself to start to love myself again. I feel like I've fallen out of touch with myself in the last few months and it's time to get reacquainted again. It's to remind myself that suicide is never an option and that self mutilation never solves anything. Anyways, it's almost 7, I should probably go to bed if I want to get up in time for class.



"Oh the little pieces falling, shatter. Shards of me Too sharp to put back together, Too small to matter; But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces." Evanescence