This is the price you pay for loss of control

It seems like I should really work on my sleep schedule. I'm always up until the most ungodly hours of the day, even when I have work to do. But it's been a few days, almost a week now, since I last wrote. I have the motivation to write, just not the time or I end up procrastinating it or even forget about it. I really need to get into the groove of things and do it regularly. There's always so much that I think about before I go to sleep and no one to talk to about it. I guess this is the place for it, to at least get it off of my mind or out of my system. I'm really starting to look into myself; self-analyzing is what it's called from the psychological standpoint. I'm starting to realize how much things from my past really do affect me; be it molestation, abuse, rape, addiction or even my miscarriage. I swear if I didn't have Gina with me this past weekend, I have no idea what I would have done when I went home. I'm just so sick of the constant fighting between my parents and I. I would give up anything for a good home life. I'm sick of the regular reminders of my horrible past. My bedroom back home used to be my one safe place from everything, but after Rick, I cannot even step a foot in it without my stomach churning. I can't go outside and see his house and continue to pretend that I'm ok. I can't keep lying to myself anymore. I'M NOT OK! Why can't I make myself realize this? It's just so much easier to put it to the back of my mind. I can't keep looking into my mother's eyes and pretend that she's not somehow connected to my loss of my virginity. Fuck her multiple personalities. I don't give a shit. People shouldn't take a child's innocence. I can't keep seeing my father and hug him like he never hit me when i was 12. I'm just so sick of people that are supposed to love me treating me like I'm nothing, meaningless. It's not fair! I really need to take care of myself right now before I can give myself to someone in a relationship. I have far too much baggage, and it's almost too much for me to handle by myself; let alone to dump on someone else.

"Ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out; I wish I knew" Brand New